Understanding Mothers of Incest Victims

thanks for the great article. helps a lot of those with experience of abuse.

The Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation is a newly formed nonprofit with a mission to help heal and support adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse worldwide. We are actively seeking adult survivors who would be willing to post a childhood photo and caption, their story, or their creative expressions to our website www.letgoletpeacecomein.org. By uniting survivors from across the globe we can help provide a stronger and more powerful voice to those survivors who have not yet found the courage to speak out. Together we can; together we should; together we NEED to stand up and be counted. Please visit our site for more details on how you can send us your submissions.

Thank you for everything you do!

Gretchen Paules
Administrative Director
Let Go...Let Peace Come In Foundation
111 Presidential Blvd., Suite 212
Bala Cynwyd, PA 19004

The article seems to only regard the mothers partner as the possible perpetrators. Clearly there are other possibilities- brothers, uncles, servants and so on. Even then the mothers often side with the offenders. Understanding their stand may be one thing, forgiving quite another!

it shows good information about the topic.>3

It's great.

But all the stories are so different. The principal idea in this article seems to be this one :
The community as a whole could help prevent child sexual abuse from happening in the first place, so that no mother would have to choose between her daughter and her partner.

I've been working with mothers for more than 20 years but had to stop so, because of a serious illness. The laws are against those mothers, and oftenly no one believes her. A part of this unbelief is because Richard Gardners theory tells us that the mothers are inventing incest to have a better divorce. His principal disciple Hubert Van Gijsegem of Montreal is teaching high schools and universities in Europe about that theory. Judges are not psychatrics, but just with a technical knowledge in the laws of thei country.
Ex-students with that knowledge are not able to understand victims nor their mothers. They didn't need such specialists!

So we had to support mothers in their struggle against the court and sometimes against the official help services. As these services are supported by the government they can pay specialists they want, but we can't do that without money. We have to do this work without compensation, but we were doing it, just until I became very ill, too ill.

But perhaps you can help some mothers saying them they are not alone!

My book The Perfect Crime, Incest Between Theory and Reality, is written in Dutch, i am no more able to translate it at this moment and I think that I will never be able to do so. Edited by Desk Nijverdal.nl in the Netherlands - 195 pages, stories abut mothers, and what we are doing against it and what can be done better in the future....ISBN 10 90809174 0 0 and ISBN 13 978 90 809174 0 8
Andréa De Jong
125 Avenue de Versailles, box 32 in 1120 Brussels (Neder over Heembeek). Please note that I moved from Ghent to Brussels because my health.
Please have a look on my website : Mothers Against Incest, or look for Andréa De Jong, from Mothers against Incest, Belgium, on the internet

I think its sad for a mother to side with an abuser, in my case it was my older brother who abused me, when my mother was told about him abusing me, she blamed me for it, I was 7 he was 17 and it continued til I was 8 with him being 18. Since then I have no trust for him or her, sometimes I try hard to act as if it never happened, but it did and today I still struggle with the fact that my mother blamed me and not him which allowed the abuse to continue for as long as it did, He went to prison for armed robbery which was the only way my abuse ended. today he is 61 and I am 51, he was just released from prison to a half way house, I have since communicated with him as if it never happened but my mind shifts to the abuse occassionally, I feel as though I have MPD because of my abuse, I pray hard to forget what happened but everyday something rehashs those cold dark memories, I felt that he went to prison for what he did to me, but he didnt, it just ended my abuse but not my pain.

i think it's horrible for people to blame the victims for what happened to them--especially the children victims. they don't know what effects their actions have.

it is not too late to seek help; it is never too late. you can never forget what happened to you, but hopefully, with intervention, you will learn how to handle it better and go on to live your life.

@ Guest: Indeed, it may be hard to forgive the mother for her emotional neglect/abuse of her victimized child. In fact, in some cases I know, the child hates the mother more for her "betrayal." Some of them see it as a greater offense than the abuse itself.

@ Andrea: Thanks for your work with mothers.They do need help, since it is true that a lot of service providers judge them and think they should be jailed together with the abuser. Helping them see the pain their children have undergone and acknowledge it is quite a bit of work.

@ Guest: Thank you for sharing your story here. I can't imagine how it feels to be abused and betrayed by family members. Have you sought help? It is never too late to try to find peace with what happened, whether through the justice system, or by having your brother and/or your mother acknowledge what happened to you, it depends on you. Just remember that there are others who have also experienced your pain. It may help to reach out to them.

I am sorry but a true mother would choose her child over a pedophile...if she does not then she is just as responsilble.

nothing new

I understand the hardships a mother faces in this situation, but not one of them supercedes a mother's natural instinct to immediately get her child away from danger- at whatever cost to herself. Anyone who sits around and ponders money matters or saving face, when her child is in desperate need, is not worthy of being a parent.
Having to "choose" between her children is a non-issue here. If one child is hit by a truck, do you hesitate to take him/her to a hospital because the other children need to go somewhere else at that time? The only "choice" in this matter is choosing between doing what's necessary to save a child, or opting to dream up reasons to abandon that child in his/her hour of need. If the siblings are traumatized by the disclosure and resulting life changes, then a loving mother would step back up to the plate to help them as well. They would in fact be comforted, just to learn that their mother would protect all her children passionately if necessary.
Exposing children to a child molester is never done with the children's best interests at heart, nor is forcing them to lie about the reality of the situation.
This may sound harsh, but pimping a child out to a man for any reasons, as well as those you mentioned, is unacceptable. We need to stop white-washing things that are so very immoral. Even the most sympathetic reason- that the mother was abused herself- only shows how callous such women can be when they know from experience how destructive molestation (especially by a trusted family member) is to every aspect of the child's life.
We should be tightening our reins on child abusers, not finding excuses for them. Abusers include anyone who contributes to the existence of child violations, by tacitly approving of it, and allowing perpetrators to get away without any accountability. The victims have every right to live in the truth. They should not be shamed or silenced by mothers who apparently feel there are some things in the world more important than their children's safety and well-being.
The shame rests squarely on the shoulders of the molester, and anyone who selfishly hands the helpless victim over to be tormented.
I'm sorry to say, Ms. Taboclaon, that articles such as yours may do more harm than good to survivors who need to validate their feelings of anger, and to clarify boundaries regarding the true focus of blame in these matters.
My wish for anyone who has felt the horror of abuse, and then been further betrayed by those who should have protected you, is to finally be free. Don't be afraid of anger- you have a right to your anger. And I hope eventually you can get to the point where you no longer need the pain and rage. I hope that you live your life free of the nightmare you've been strong enough to endure, and that you live in peace.

Woww... just two weeks ago today my two kids girl,9 & boy,14 were caught by my husband in there room inthe DARK. Turns on the light & sees daughter nelt down on the floor towel in hand saying "im folding clothes", waist down naked. Son was making his way out the room in a rush holding his lower belly saying "move move got to take a crap". As dad is making his way in he glances down and noticed that he had a boner. Quickly shouts out for me i was just in the dinning room folding laundry on the table, while husband and i were talking. so then i go in and he says to me whispering in spanish i think they were doing things they shouldnt like dirty things. i looked in the room and at the kids and instantly started yelling questions and . just by there expressions i knew it was true. mean while my daughter is still naked holding towel infront of her,me seeing that she isnt hurring to cover up and get dressed i yell at her put some f**kn clothes on and told her to get in the bathroom and wait for me there. just looked at my son with anger in my eyes in shock. all i said i your F**kn sister, you dirty piece of S**t,get out and my husband slapped him around yelling out why , in my house, your sister..other hurt ful statements. and now i sent him out of state to his grandmothers cause my parents said dont call the cops untill tought out cause you would be ruining his life and then what? and my daughter i said i need to do right by her and make her feel safe! my moms said u need a time out and think about the entire scenario . get the facts first then you can take measures cause you need to know who started what? i got even more angry hearing that my daughter could possibly be the consenting victim. i said i dont care who started what and who to blame they are both my kids and they are both at wrong.so i want them both gone, cause i have two more boys asleep in the home while all this is happening 3, and 9 mths. and i need to make sure this dosent involve them. So to end this crap of a situation comment the older sibling are out of my home one states away at gramas(boy) and the other blocks away at my in laws(girl). still havent got details cause i cant handel the truth and my thoughts are not straight , I NEED HELP AND GUIDENCE TO TAKE ON THIS PROBLEM I DONT WANT LEGAL HELP I FEEL THEY WILL JUST TAKE THE FAMILY APART AND POINT FINGERS. I FEEL TALKING IT ALL OUT WE CAN OVER COME THIS BUT I CANT FIND THE WILL AND STRENGHT TO DO IT...SO DEPRESSED LOOKING AT MY WALLS FULL IF PIXZ OF THEM AND US AS A FAMILY.. I WANNA JUST........**$#@%$%&

In response to the mother of the 9 and 14 year old:

You did the right thing seperating them in order to rpevent any further abuse. Unfortunately, it doesn't sound like the first time this has happened based on the description you gave. Due not be too quick to blame the daughter as she is likely the victim of on-going abuse from her brother. It is not likely that you will know how long this has been going on, but it is evident that they both need counseling and support, something that would benefit you as well.

As hard as it is for a mother to do, your son may need a lot more help than basic therapy in order to prevent him from doing this to other children. Many states have SAR (sexually aggressive youth) programs for children over the age of 13. Please look into this to prevent him from continuing to abuse others.

The daughter needs to be seen by a therapist who specializes in sexual abuse, even if she seems to be dealing with it all. There are programs and resources out there to help you. Check with the children's hospital as many children's hospitals have sex abuse programs as well. My other suggestion would be to get the daughter examined by a doctor who can specifically look for sexual abuse and damage to her body.

As a caring, loving mother, you've done the right thing seperating them. It's time to get them into counseling and other services that can help both of them heal and deal with what has happened.

To the mother of the 9- and 14-year-old:

I can't even begin to imagine how much pain you are going through right now. It must have been a very hard decision to make, to send your two children away. You're right; it does not matter who initiated what. Your girl is 9 years old, a child, and she did not deserve to be abused by anyone, much less by her brother. She needs to see a counselor to help her deal with the effects of the sexual abuse. Your son also needs therapy so that he will see why what he did to his sister was wrong. Merely sending them away--without professional help--will not accomplish anything.

Might I also suggest that you talk to someone about what you are going through? It is a very heavy burden to bear, and I can imagine you cannot talk about this to just anyone. There is an organization called Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network (RAINN) and their hotline number is 1.800.656.HOPE. Their service is free, confidential, and available 24/7. They can help you with what you are going through. Their website is <http://www.rainn.org/>.

I hope you will call.

I am a victim of child sexual abuse. i never told my mother as she suffers from a slightly narcissistic depression and was very demanding on me emotionally when i was a child.

I disclosed to a partner when i was 17 and he later told my family (years later, i'd moved away)
My mother immediately pushed for pressing charges and court proceedings, which i reluctantly followed into.
When i went to visit her, i sat and comforted her the time i was there, while she cried... but offered no consolation in return. I knew she would be terribly upset, but it was clear that she considered herself the main victim.

Soon after, shortly before the county court trial, my mother called me in hysterics, yelling at me, saying things like "how can you put us through this!?" and a long tirade of similar hurtful, selfish things. I can still hear her voice. And i still cannot forgive that moment. (i'm really really trying..)'
So i was not surprised when she did not show as my key witness. nor did my brothers as she 'feared' them into thinking my father would hurt them somehow, and that i was being extremely selfish by going through with the case (that she forced me into!)

With only the kind and gentle words of a police officer to subdue my tears, I sat in a tiny room that was adjacent to a large court room.
Inside was my nana, my father's mother. and a Jury.
Nobody came.

Ever since that moment, that moment of experiencing true abandonment, it feels as though i am only half alive. some kind of numb, hateful, mournful haze.

It has been five years since that moment. I've seen my mother three time as many years. And each time is more heartbreaking than the next, every time i forgive her neglect and go back, hoping for some comfort, it never comes. i try until i have to leave for fear of her draining every last drop of humanity i have left within me.

So now i have given up. For real this time.

and you know what? i actually feel much better :)

A lot of victims of child sexual abuse share your pain. Being abused by someone in your family is bad enough, but it becomes worse when the people you expect to support you and love you are not there.

I understand why you felt you had to give up on your mother. There are times indeed when we have to draw the line somewhere, know when it is time to stop expecting too much from another person. Maybe someday your mother will have a change of heart and see clearly what she has done to you. Until then, I think it's a good idea to stay away.

Could you do one more thing for yourself? Call RAINN and talk to someone. Their number is 1.800.656.HOPE. Tell the counselor everything that has been bottled up inside you. All the things that you remember being done to you, all the hurt you felt when your family did not support you.

I'm not going to tell you it will magically make your problems disappear; it won't. No amount of talk will do that. At least, though, there will be someone who will listen to your story.

I am a step-mother to a wonderful 6 year old boy who recently disclosed sexual abuse at the hands of his mother's long time live in boyfriend. Up until Kindergarten he lived full time with them (he stayed the weekends with us) but because my husband and I live in an A+ performing school district we asked if he could live with us during the school year to receive a better education. At the time her boyfriend had just left the state to work and his mother was very overwhelmed as she also has two smaller girls with her boyfriend. His mother agreed as long as we still paid child support.

During this time his mother made many comments about how she would not take him back when he returned from working and how her kids were different & much happier with him gone. She even abandoned the home they shared and moved about 25 miles away to a neighboring town in an effort to escape him.

My stepson had many issues when I met his father that I found to be odd and not normal for a child of his age. He pooped his pants (up until several months ago), was not empathetic, painfully shy, internalized all feelings, enjoyed seeing people in pain, etc. After living full time with us for several months he began changing for the better. He was by no means "cured" but he began expressing emotions and was not as angry or violent. His mother made a comment that he was a "pleasure to have" on the weekends and had done a one-eighty.

Fast forward to when he boyfriend returns. He spends every dime he has to buy her a ring and all of a sudden everything she said in his absense is forgotten and life is good. My stepson began crying every night before a visit w/ mom and begged us not to make him go but would never disclose if we asked him why. Then my stepson comes home on Mother's Day this year with his arms covered in black & purple bruises. CPS gets involved and cuts off all contact, investigating mom & boyfriend.

During this period of no contact my stepson discloses to me one night about all of the sexual abuse at the hands of the boyfriend after I caught him masturbating. A 6 year old with the bathroom door wide open, full erection & performing the act the way an adult would. At that point I casually asked where he learned to do this and he told me "someone taught me". After this disclosure he has let a little bit out at a time and now I believe we have the full story or most of it. It was worse than we imagined and also involved acts with his 3 year old sister. CPS gets involved again, so now a second case is open and mom & boyfriend are again being investigated. (The original case is done being investigated but the case is still open in "in home" status because they have serious concerns with mom's parenting abilities). His forensic interview was yesterday and as far as we have been told, his disclosure was great. CPS got enough info to substantiate the claim, even if it can not be prosecuted for some reason. So my stepson is safe which is our #1 concern & priority.

My question: His mother has been informed about all of this every step of the way. She has not in any way been very compliant with CPS and keeps hopping back and forth from custody court (their custody arrangement was always voluntary so my husband filed to have it court ordered; as of now he is temporary custodial parent) to CPS thinking one can trump the other in terms of visitation. She has been caught in numerous lies both in court and to CPS. And to top it all off she has maintained her boyfriends innocense every time the issue has come up. She will not directly call her son a liar but makes vague comments like, "Well, you know he's a difficult child and sometimes my boyfriend has to handle things because I'm a pushover. He usually deserves his punishments but he's probably embellishing the truth." She walked into court every time with a shit eating grin on her face making comments like, "Good luck, mom's always win", with a wink. She has lost in every court battle and when CPS became involved we told our attorney to wait it out. His mom filed a readiness motion to go back to court knowing we could bring up the CPS matters. She defended herself in court with a cocky attitude up until my stepson disclosed sexual abuse. Now she has a lawyer and is frantically trying to find a loophole in the system to give her access to her son. Last week she called and threatened us to meet her at the park or else she would call the police. Her behavior is very erratic and irrational and we fear what her involvement may be, if any. I am not accusing her and my stepson has never implicated her but my main priority is my stepsons health and well being. I have raised this child for almost 2 years full time, with weekend visits w/ his mom and since May I have raised him completely with no interactions from his mom at all. I love him with all my heart and we go back to court next Wed to petition the judge to continue no contact throughout the investigation process. After that we are open to supervised visits, pending the details of the investigation. Is this the right thing to do given the details of this particular case? We are at the mercy of the system and it is nauseating.

I am also reading every piece of reading material I can get my hands on regarding child sexual abuse & recovery to educate myself & my husband on how to help my stepson recover in a healthy manner. Any suggestions?

I was also hoping to find something that talks about the effects of having a parent who does not believe the childs disclosure or who blames them. I want to know the effect this may have on my stepson if his mom continues to believe her boyfriend is innocent or blame her son for making the disclosure. Can anyone recommend any articles or books on the subject? I don't want to know why she is doing it, I want to know what effect it will have on him and his recovery...

Your points do make a lot of sense & I do believe that is what happened to my so called Mother. She had no spine to leave for good. She learned about my stepfather's sexual abuse of me when i was 12 a few months later in the same house, and decided oh well, it won't happen again & stayed w/ him. Today~(25 years later)~she still believes in her heart and soul that the man who did it is wonderful and awesome person. I am dead serious~~he abused other children in the school that he taught @. Disgusting. She hired criminal defense attorneys (she had inherited money from her father after he passed away) to protect HIM~~and also i never testified against him out of learning from her to keep the family together and from him (stepfather) to keep my mouth shut if i knew what was good for me. You are right about the financial dependence and keeping the family together....but i am just saying that it will not create "a renewed relationship w/ my Mother who i call her by first name, as she relinquished her duty as 'Mother' by vastly defending the pedophile of her own flesh and blood. And the actual incident happened over 25 years ago and to this day, he is a great guy to her, disgusting!!!!! Anyway, someday I will write a book for children on speaking up no matter what your parents tell you to do~esp when it is to be quiet after being silently abused for years.

Another thing that i forgot to mention and didn't see in the article either is that there is much evil involved. Pure evil that cannot be fixed or explained away no matter how much we would like too~~my Mother is perhaps not as evil as stepfather but pretty close. I do have a counselor who agrees w/ me that she forfeitted her right as "mother" when she chose to keep it all hush, hush. To this day~the woman hasn't changed one bit. The denial is horrifying in these instances, and I recommend anybody that is an adult that is seeing kids being abused to not over analyze WHY it is happening~get your kids out!!!!!!!!!!!!! Because their lives have already been scarred forever by having their innocence stolen. Think of them before yourselves.

@ Guest (Nov 17, 2010)

Your stepson is lucky to have you. What incest and other sexual abuse victims need most is a supportive network of people who can help them through it. It seems that he has that; he has you, his father, and even the CPS worker who seems to provide a lot of support.

There are a lot of resources online about the possible effects sexual (and psychological, by his mother) abuse has on a child, but note that every child is different. He may or he may not show the effects that some children may have. It depends on a lot of factors, e.g., his resiliency, the reactions of the people around him, the presence of a supportive network, etc. Hopefully, your caring and loving presence in his life will increase his chances of full recovery.

my family has just went through a similar ordeal. our mother is defending her husband of 2 yrs from the allegations made by her granddaughter. we actually just had the court date and he received twenty years in prison for his crime. the jury found him guilty. but my mom was there on his side of the courtroom, holding his hand, and even testifying on stand for him. meanwhile on the other side of the courtroom are her 4 living children. yes she almost cried on stand a few times and was trying to maintain her composure but she was a victim in all this too but he has her so manipulated that she believes him. he was never abusive or angry. he instead took the opposite approach and was too good to be true. he never lost his cool, never got impatient even with 16 screaming grandchildren running around. he was always havng our mom call and invite us over for cook outs and get togethers and good times. and would offer to babysit althugh we never took them up on that offer. thank goodness . its just so hard because we were aclose family and now he is gone to prison and we none of us 4 kids talk to our moother so now she is all alone. she chose him and now he's gone and she has nothing. but until she sees the trruth and gets out from under his spell she will still not have her children because she better not dare ever defend him to any of us. its bad enough to have watched her take his side the whole time. and crying when he was handcuffed and we were all rejoicing. just an awful situation that i wish on no one. really hope for our mom's sake that she sees the light sooner rathrer than later althugh we all need some time right now

I'm struggle trying to protect my adorable children which my husband still complaint about to let his sister to take care my kids. but I didnt want them to take care my kids, never cuz his sister got married it's 3 husband. I do not trust him cuase he been jail for a month in San Diego, CA and I have no idea why. both parent are deaf. I'm mother deaf trying to protect my kids. I perfer my mom (Grandmother) to watch my kids. my mom is wonderful to take care of me been thru. it s pass me to take care my kids. even though my husband is mad or furuoius with me I dont care, my Kids come first. he didnt like it too bad. becuase his sisters and mother never respect me, always been hate me and Im not let them to watch my kids peroid. they are not good example for my children, cuz they are not honest people to Citizen America. cuz they using fake name for hospital or Gov't that s why I dont want my children to see them or get to know them, they might bad influence with my children. so Ill decide to report to Federal building becuase I beleive anyone to living this America in United States should be honest who they are. pls prayer for my kids to stay away from them ( in laws) thanks you

Ms Irishgirl

For the first time I feel like I am not alone...Guest posts form Novemebr 2010 have given me peace...my mother stayed with my father who sexually abused me from age 6 - 8...I told her...she reported it...then within 24 hours...hide it...fastford to 27 years later,.. she leaves him, moves in with me, claims she only thought he "played airplane" with me...I request my CAS records, medical records, find out that EVERYONE knew it was true, that the rape kit taken from that day proved all and every account of violation...I press charges, with mom standing next to me...she encouraged me to go to the police...get closure...warrent gets served,..he is arrested, ...2 hours later, I go home, she has moved out...she claims she needs to be neutral for my brothers sake whom are 36 and 26...moves back in with him, hires him a lawyer and calls me 100 times in a week to tell me I'm going to hell, how dare I do this to her, how dare I do this to her family...blah, blah, blah...getting ready to go to trial...my mother and brothers will not speak to me...I have learned to build my own support system of healthy loving husband and close friends,..my mothers sisters (my aunts) are a HUGE support to me, and call me everyday to tell me they love and support me...I recieve weekly theropy from the best, I supper from eating disorder, social anxety, low self esteem, depression, I am unable to emotional attach, trust, or connect with anyone (husband included), but yet I have accomplished a successful carrer, family, and from the outside look like a very well put together woman whom seems to have the world at her feet...the point...when my mother turned made me live in that environment fully knowing everything, and then even with a second "kick at the can" she repeated her previous wrongs...the out come was for me to suffer .. maybe not on the outside...but on the inside...I became a mess...I was forced to see the ugly truth I tried for my entire life to not believe...my mother was never, and never would be a mother with instict to protect her only girl...
Thank you for helping me to know...I'm not alone.

@ Guest (January 2011): It must be very difficult for you to see your mom still support him. I hope as well that she realizes she has children who still care for her.

@ Ms Irishgirl: Your protectiveness over your children is admirable! We'll be praying for your children to be safe.

@ Guest (May 2011): You have gone--and are still going--through a lot because of the abuse done to you by your father. I admire your strength to continue seeking justice, despite the non-support from your family. But, yes, it is true that you are not alone. I hope others will read your story, too, and be inspired by you. Not everyone can go through what you've experienced and still achieve something with their lives. Thank you for sharing that with us here.

My father molested me when I was a teenager. My mother knew what was going on but did nothing. In fact she used to get jealous and would blame me for "seducing him" and scream at me about, "I don't know what you and your father get up to when I'm not here!" (implying that she knew what he was doing). I didn't know how I could protect myself and would try to bathe when he wasn't around. Weird thing is that at the time I thought that he thought that I was my mum and that was the only reason that he was doing that so I would say to him over and over again, "Daddy, it's me, it's me (my name)!" but he just kept on doing what he would do and getting me to do to him what he wanted. It was so painful for me, not to mention the fact that I had years prior been repeatedly raped by another relative.

It wasn't until I was an adult that I realised that there was no way that he could have thought that I was my mother - he knew full well what he was doing.

My mother now acts as though nothing ever happened. I forgive her, but it is so hard because I want to scream at her about what he did to me - but I know there is no point because she would deny it all and probably would call me a liar which would be even more painful for me.

She's still with him, he's physically, mentally, and emotionally abused her their whole marriage. I wish she would leave but I doubt she will now. I've got kids now and have visited them only once as an adult and would never leave them alone with my father. I doubt I'll ever visit them again. Still talk to my mum, occassionally my dad answers the phone and our conversations are really weird. When I visited them as an adult, I was so scared when I took a bath because there are holes in the wall and no lock on the door and I was worried what might happen, also locked the door to the bedroom my kids and me slept in.

I forgive my mum - I've been in a DV relationship (hence how I got the kids), so I can understand why she's stuck by him, but I still can't understand how a mother can deny and blame their child knowing full-well what is going on. I don't think I'll ever remarry, as I'm scared that the guy will either be another violent ar***ole or a paedophile.

Life sucks.